More Freaks of the Week

I'm playing a little catch up here and I've failed to post the "Freak of the Week" for a while. For your viewing pleasure, here are just a few crazies from the last few weeks (actual pictures from actual people that have emailed me in the past few weeks...and you wonder why I'm pretty much done with the online dating deal?):

Looks like you're getting ready to kill someone. Where can I sign up for a date with him?

Is that roadkill he's holding or a pet? Bonus, he's well on his way to sporting to a mullet.

Wow. Does he really have on boots with those shorts? Now that's pretty damn hot. Makes me wonder...does he leave his boots on ALL THE TIME?

Thank goodness that's over!

What a freaking crazy week! Work has not slowed down, which is a great thing, but on top of working like mad, my sister and I had a garage sale this past weekend. What was I thinking? Not that I didn't want to do the garage sale, but it was a little much. Thank god my sister was here because I spent half the time inside negotiating a half million dollar contract(which I think is finally coming together). The other half of the weekend I spent haggling over $.50 pieces of crap. On top of that I picked up a new client who I ended up having to show on Saturday (by the airport none the less). I have to admit I was kind of happy I didn't have to garage sale all day, but working until nearly 8pm on both Saturday and Sunday wasn't much fun. I will say, we made nearly $2,000 over the 3 days...not bad. I would guess about 80% of what I made was in baby clothes (at $1-$2 per piece!).It was downright embarrassing when I started getting out all of Layla's clothes. I couldn't believe the amount of clothes we had accumulated in 2 years. Neither could some of the passer-by's. I got asked on more than one occasion how many daughters I had. Embarrassing. So what did I do with the money??? Yep, I turned around a spent it on a bunch of clothes for Layla (and a few things for myself). We both need new summer wardrobes so it had to be done. I will say though I used some restraint and didn't over buy. I'm actually quite proud of myself!

As for this week, I think my work schedule might slow down just a bit. We are still fine tuning some things on the contract I was negotiating all last week and after showing them 6 more houses yesterday we have back up plans. I'll be glad to get them under contract (we've only looked at 132 homes at last count!). I have 2 other clients to show this week, one seller that is finally (after 2 years) ready to put his house on the market (you can't hear it, but I am laughing. If a sign actually goes up in the next month I'll be amazed). I also have social engagements Tues, Thurs and Fri nights. Yup...kind of a slow week around here. Ha. Ha. Ha. Who am I kidding?

I've gotten a few emails asking how Layla is doing...she is fabulous! What a fun age this is. Her speech and vocabulary has sky rocketed, as has her singing. It's hysterically to listen to her play. You can see and hear the imagination that is starting to take off. As is her stubbornness (wonder where she got that from?). She has taken to picking out her own clothes. Last Friday I had picked out a cute little dress with bloomers for her to wear to school. When I realized it was a little chilly, I decided she needed leggings on. This was all fine until she decided she also needed the bloomers on and her bright yellow and orange crocs. She pretty much looked like a 3 ring circus, but hey, she was happy. The last few times I've picked her up from F-head she's been wearing his clothes. Apparently she has a new fascination with putting on his shirts. Either that, or it's a ploy he's pulling to get me to do some of his laundry! :) Either way, she's pretty damn cute running around in this huge shirt.

Came out of retirement only to be disappointed...again!

I know it's been over a week since you've gotten an update. Work is kicking my ass right now, but I am soooooo not complaining. Due to that, my social life has been non-existent. That and the fact I am having a garage sale this weekend. Ask me if I've done anything to prepare? I think you know the answer!

So...on to what you really came here for: the dating update.

I really haven't been on a date in over a month. It's been a nice break actually but I was ready to get out there and try again. This one seemed worth it (hell, he was 6'4 so he had at least had that going for him...and no penis haircut!). We've been talking for about 10 days, mostly via text and few phone call here and there. On paper, he was fantastic. His pictures...well he looked pretty decent. I had that all-to-familiar feeling that seems to be the norm lately...we hit it off and seem to have a lot of common ground but then you meet and expectations are shattered. And yes, yet again, that happened. I have learned to temper my expectations so I really wasn't surprised. I will tell you, I am not looking for a freaking super model...just a basic attraction would be nice at this point. This one disappointed me though in the sense that he really possess a lot of qualities I am looking for, just nothing for me the in the physical department. He's incredibly intelligent and someone that could definitely keep me challenged mentally and spiritually. The only thing he didn't have was the athletic background and the party gene (not that I am so big partier, but I like to go out and have a good time. He on the other hand sounds like a total home body). I tried to force myself to find a physical attraction during our lunch but I quickly realized it just wasn't gonna happen. He on the other hand has already sent me 4 texts and I left lunch a little over an hour ago. What is with these guys? Have you ever heard of playing hard to get?

I did however gain a new 'theory' on dating. It's the 'bucket' theory and it really applies not just to dating, but to everyone in your life. I'll try to explain it as concise as I can:
There are 3 buckets: emotional, spiritual and physical. You need to find people that fill those buckets and avoid people that drain them. A good friend probably fills 2 of the 3 (and maybe even only one, the just fill it well). A good love 'match' however would be someone who can fill all three. For him, he could fill 2 out of 3 for me. Not going to work. I am putting his own theory to use here. I need to find someone that can fill all 3. You know anyone? I am taking suggestions at this point!

And, I have decided that I am not picky, I am selective! So there!

Yet another classic moment....

This is f-ing great!
I had to post an update. So F-head apparently wasn't telling me the truth when he told me Jane was coming to pick up the "tools". I just got a call from him and he was at my house (funny...he never had to ask for my address or directions...amazing how that works!). Here's where it gets hysterical...when he asked for a laundry list of tools in the divorce I agreed to about half of what he asked for. You have to understand that the man does not know how to work any of these tools and most of them my Dad had given us. He asked for both the miter saw and table saw. The miter saw is really nice. The table saw we had was really a big piece of junk that my Dad had given us. I knew that he didn't know the difference between the miter saw and table saw so I agreed to give him the table saw, not the miter saw (are you following this), knowing he probably thought he was getting the miter saw. He's not smart enough to know the difference. So he arrives at my house this morning to pick up the table saw and router and I get the following phone call:

F: "The table saw isn't here"
Me: "Um. Yes it is. I left in front of my garage door with the router on top of it".
F: "This isn't the table saw I wanted."
Me: "That's the only table saw we owned."
F: "I wanted the big round one" (nice use of technical terms)
Me: "And that would be called a miter saw."
F: "Well you knew what I wanted"
Me: "Yup, but you agreed and signed off on the table saw and NOT the miter saw so it's now yours"
F: "You took advantage of me"
Me: "Not really. I can't help if you don't know the difference between the two. It's your fault, not really mine. If you don't want what you agreed to then I'll take it back. Just leave it there."
F: "Your a f-ing bitch"

Brilliant!

Classic F-Head Moments: Part 4

As you know, it's rare I post about F-head and his latest 'classic moments'. These are too good to pass up.

So yesterday I had an out of town buyer to show. 25 houses. Sunday night I started feeling a little stomach ache. When I woke up yesterday it had gotten much worse. I powered through the showings with a fever and all. F-Head had L last night and I quickly realized picking her up would be a challenge. I text him to see if by chance he would agree to drop her off (he has never been to my house as it's "too hard for him"...get the f over it!). So approx 2 mins after sending the text I get a phone call. I can't understand him and all I can hear is L in the background screaming bloody murder. He tells me she's been that way since 4pm (it's now 6:15p) and I can tell he's frustrated. I tell him I'll come get her and ask where they are. He hangs up on me. I call him back and he gives me a pity story about not being able to get into the car because she keeps throwing a fit and then goes on to say I shouldn't come get her since I am sick. He finally tells me their at McDonald's and he's walking around the parking lot with her (in the rain mind you) and isn't sure what time he'll drop her off since he can't seem to be an adult and get her into the car. I finally just tell him I'm coming to get her. He goes off on me about how I think he's an incompetent father, etc etc etc. What the hell I am suppose to do when he does an SOS call because he can't figure out how to be a parent and deal with a 2 year old's temper-tantrum. On one hand I want to ignore it and let him deal with it, on the other I can't possibily let my child who is screaming "Mommy" walk around a parking lot in the rain. So I get in the car and go pick her up. Do you think I get a thank you? Nope. Instead he goes off on me again about how I make him feel like a bad parent. Um hello? You're the one who called me because you couldn't figure out how to be a parent.

While finalizing the divorce he asked for a bunch of our tools. Most of which my Dad had given him/us. I agreed to give him a few of them (most of them are old and hardy work although he doesn't know that because he's never tried to use them. He asked for them just to be a dick). He's never come by to pick them up so I sent him a text to tell him I am not a storage facility and he needs to get them by Friday otherwise they'll be given away or sold. This is great. He sends me a text back that "Jane" is coming to get them on Wednesday. Jane is a 50 year old woman that I doubt can lift the 100lb table saw into a car by herself. But because he can't seem to get over himself, he has to send her. What a great, stand up guy!

And I'll throw this in just because it's yet another classic moment from the other night. I was running late so my sister had to pick up L from F-Head. This is the first time since I filed that she's come face to face with him. She wasn't thrilled about it, but it had to be done. And given the opportunity, she's probably inflict some serious bodily harm on him...and he knows it. In fact, when I texted him to tell him my sister was coming, he tried every way but Sunday to avoid it. So she pulls up to the condo building. He usually comes out the front door, walks down the 40 foot sidewalk and puts L in the car. Instead, the mother trucker opens the front door, shoves L out the door and closes it. She doesn't recognize my sister's car at the end of the sidewalk so she starts crying and banging on the door to get back in. Can you freakin believe it? She's 2 years old you mother trucker! It makes me cry just thinking of her standing there all alone. He finally opens the door and decides he better walk her to the car. In the meantime, my sister had gotten out of the car to get her. Apparently, the entire time he was walking down the sidewalk he had his head turned backwards as to not make eye contact. What a f-ing wimp!

Kicked in the Head by Murphy

I've been kicked in the head this week by Murhpy's Law. This week was suppose to be relatively laid back as I prepared for the mayhem of the upcoming week (out of town buyer Mon and Tues which equates to approx 60 homes to show between the 2 days; I'm volunteering a horse riding facility for challenged kids and I have training for that Monday night; I have to be in Manhattan Wed-Thur for state meetings; and another buyer on Fri; a charity event Friday night ).

This week couldn't have been any crazier. I had a seller that decided after getting a near full price offer she wasn't sure she wanted to sell. That only cost me about $25,000 in income. Just a little frustrating! Since then, I've had about 4 sign call on her property and have had another couple that wanted to write an offer. It's been on the market for 4 months and we've only had 5 showings. Of course, the week she decides she think she wants to stay we get a ton of activity. All the while, she's going broke making her payments, lost her job this week and STILL isn't sure if she wants to sell. Um, reality anyone???

Thursday night I had some friends over. I was telling one of them how incredible the dog has done making the transition over the last 6 months from an outdoor dog to an indoor/outdoor dog. I was bragging that she hasn't had one accident in the house. What do you think happened Thursday night? Yup. And no, she couldn't take 2 steps and do it on the hardwood floors, it had to be on the carpet I just paid to have cleaned last week. Brilliant!

Then today. Ahhh today. I had to show 3 buyer all within a 2 1/2 hour period. That was fun. Really, it was. 2 were a complete waste of time. Last night I got a call from a guy I have been working with for almost 2 years and says he's finally ready to get his house the market. Today, I get another call from a past "looker" that they are ready to buy. When it rains, it pours. I am SO not complaining, but could they have picked a worse week to lay this on me???

I get home and I'm playing with Layla. We (I) decided to put together this activity table I bought her. It's a Play-Doh table. What in the hell was I thinking? Luckily I have passed off to her that it's for coloring....except she found the markers that came in the box. Of course, this was done while I was changing laundry. I came back in the room and she had managed to color the entire table, the floor, her hands and some beautiful artwork up her arm. Again, what was I thinking?

Then...I experienced the worst thing I have as a parent. I went out to the garage to get something out of the car. I was out there maybe one minute and I heard Layla banging on the door and starting to cry because she wanted to come out. I went back to the door only to find it locked. Aw yes. She locked me out of the house. I have never used a key to get into my house so I couldn't even begin to think where one might be. I ran to the front door....locked. Ran to the sliding glass door in the back of the house...locked. She's in the window at the front door with tears streaming down her face and I am on the other side with tears starting to roll down mine trying to explain to her how to unlock the door. That didn't really work so well. I run over to my neighbors and frantically ask for help. He was useless. I ran backover and contemplate kicking the door as I realize I have some random keys in a drawer in the garage. One of them is the golden ticket and I finally get back in. Of course I had something in the oven that was almost done that I then forgot about. Woo Hoo. That experience to be the worst thing ever. What made it really weird was just yesterday I was thinking that I didn't think I had a key to house and really needed to get some made and give them to appropriate family members. That will done tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm going to attempt to go out tonight and meet some friends. I think Mommy might need a cold beverage or 10.

A few things that I need to get off my chest:

I'm due for an update. Not much in the dating world, thank goodness. It's been pretty quiet which is a welcome change to be honest with you. I am tired of it. I have plenty of friends and 'stuff' to keep me busy for now. I realized when I was on a crappy date last weekend that I would much rather be out with my friends than stuck with some guy I can't stand to be around. Sorry to all of you that come here to read about my dating adventures...it might get boring for a while! I'll do my best to keep you entertained. And what better way to do it than with a good F-head story:

Amazing that even a year later the pieces to the puzzle are still coming together. I could never quite figure out how he had financed the 8 month relationship with a 20 year old. I do realize most 20 year old are cheap dates but he'd still need some cash right? Anyway, I remember him saying, "I can't be cheating. If I was, how would I be paying for dates?". I knew when he went on his big trip last Nov he came back with a huge amount of cash and it conveniently disappeared. Apparently that only last him until about mid-February. I was going through bank statements yesterday while doing my taxes and happened to be adding up $$$ spent on gas. I kept seeing these $30 charges at one particular gas station. After about 5 of these charges in a 2 week period I started looking closer. You can tell it was with his card and there are about 20 of these $30 charges. Maybe he's smarter than I give him credit (or maybe not). He knows I don't pay close attention to bank statements and after all, these were charges at a gas station, easily explained if I saw a few of them. But 20 within a 2 month period? Good lord. I just have to laugh at this point and give him points for creativity.

I have a few other things I need to say but probably shouldn't say outloud to anyone:

Dear Naked Locker Room Lady:
I appreciate your kindness. Really, I do. While I enjoy our banter, for the love of god can you please at least put on a bra. Your probably 82 yeard old and your girls just aren't pretty anymore. Even if they were, it's creepy to have someone stand there completely naked and talk to you (have you noticed that I am completely clothed at all times?). Maybe you should try striking up conversations with other naked, 80 year old ladies standing around after water aerobics. They look like a lot fun and seem to have a lot in common with you. I'd probably be best if our conversations occured outside of the locker room. I just can't do it and keep a straight face anymore lady.
Signed, Trying to nice but failing miserably.

Dear Precious Daughter of Mine:
You know how much I love you. You know I think you are the cutest child to ever grace this planet. But I need to lodge a little complaint. This new little sleeping game your playing really isn't funny. I mean do you really have to wait until the moment I start falling asleep and then start screaming "Mommy"? I try so hard just to ignore you like everyone tells me I should, but when you yell "Mommy" in that "I can't bare another minute apart from you" voice it makes ignoring you really, really hard. Also in regards to sleeping, what is up with the 5am wake up time lately? You have always been like me and managed to sleep in. I realize you think it's time to get up, but the rest of world (ie your mom) is still trying to sleep. If I am kind enough to bring you to my bed and turn on Mickey Mouse, please return the favor and let me sleep while you watch cartoons....it's only fair.
Signed, your loving (and very tired) mommy

True F-ing Story

Not sure I can even type this and keep a straight face. This is CLASSIC.

Last Friday night (while in Santa Barbara) I met up with a friend, Lowel, to watch the Kansas game. After the game we wandered to some bar to play pool. Upon entering, we were greeted by 2 gals...seemingly normal at first. That was until they started talking. Apparently she thought Lowel was cute and proceeded to hit on him. All the while girl 1 kept telling Lowel and myself that he needed to hit on her because "she really liked him". I have to give him credit though...he could have been a total ass to her and wasn't. I learned several valuable lessons, such as, the top 3 things you don't tell a guy you are trying to "pick up" in bar:

1) "I spent several years in Narcotics Anonymous"
2) "Yeah...I just got out of an abusive lesbian relationship so my friend and I are out celebrating. I have never been out to bars before." (that could actually be 2 separate items)
3) "I also just lost over 100 lbs...another reason to celebrate!"

So....you wanna go home with me?

True f-ing story. Below is a picture. Girl 2 is on the left. You can't see it in the picture, but she has more glitter on her face than the dancers at Temptations.