Onward and Upward.

You can't see the smile on my face, but I have one. Yes, McScotty and I broke up yesterday. It wasn't anything official, but in my mind, we are done. d.o.n.e. He was suppose to come over at 2pm to 'talk'. At 3pm I finally sent him a text to see what was going on. He said he "trying to come over, but it was just so hard". Give me a freaking break. Your 45. Grow up. I understand you're an emotional mess, but come on buddy. I decided right then and there it was definitely the end of 'us'. After a few minutes of crying-it-out (kind of felt good), I decide this was not going to get me down. I called my Mom to tell her I would be taking her up on keeping Layla overnight so I could go out with friends. She asked if I was ok and I told her we broke up. Her reaction wasn't too surprising...she said "good. just from the bits and pieces you told me, I don't think he was right for you and things just didn't add up". Then I talked to one of BFF's. She essentially said the same thing. I realized they were so right! There were plenty of red flags along the way and at some point I let my emotions take over (vs. using my head). Need to correct that character flaw, but I guess you live and learn. Looking back, this was a good experience and good first entree back into the world of dating.

I am ready to move on...and I guess that means I'll be back on match.com soon. And this is good news for you...the blog will get a hell of a lot more interesting!

I had a great night out last night with friends and I am planning on meeting an old HS friend tonight for dinner, drinks, and dating war stories. Looking forward to it!

Onwards and upwards baby!

Only time will tell...

I got a call from McScotty yesterday. I wasn't the best call, but I was happy to hear from him and happy to know what was going on with us. Amidst the crying he said, "sweetheart, I love you so much but I just don't think I can do this right now. My life is such a disaster...". I was speechless but told him that I do love him, a lot, and I am willing to patient if that he wants from me. We talked a little more...he told me over and over how much he loved me. We finally decided to get together this (Friday) afternoon. This was at 4pm. About an hour later (via text) we talked about him coming over last (Thurs) night. He told he was going to get cleaned up and he'd call me in a bit. By 9pm I hadn't heard from him so I sent him a text to see if he was still coming. His response was, " I called a few hours ago. My head is throbbing now and I just need to lay down. Tomorrow will be better". I looked at my call log and sure enough, he had called at 7pm. I don't know how I missed that call or how my phone didn't start blinking that I had missed one, but it happened. I could have died. I wanted to see him so bad but kept reminding myself it all happens for a reason.

So this afternoon we are suppose to get together. I have no idea what to expect or what the outcome will be. I guess time will only tell. The thing that makes me more angry/hurt is that our relationship could end because of the actions of another person, his ex. She is trying to make his life miserable and so far, she's succeeding. And that sucks.

Getting to the bottom of things...

So... McScotty finally communicated with me yesterday. I found out more about what's going on with him and holy moly, he's dealing with a lot of 'shit' right now (again, sorry for the expletive, but it's the only word suitable to describe it). In short, he's dealing with more than I can even imagine (I have opted to edit out the details). Unbelievable. I can't even begin to process all of it and can't even imagine what he is going through. My heart breaks for him. Needless to say, I am glad to be the least of his concerns right now, but nonetheless I want to offer as much support as I can, I just don't know what to do.

I have no idea what the future holds for us. It's a little disheartening to think about it because things were going so freaking well. I can't imagine not having him in my life, but unfortunately, at this point that might just be the reality of it all. Selfishly, I miss him terribly and just want to see him. Before I met him, I was really quite okay with being 'alone'. Life was good and Layla and I were in a good little routine. Then all the sudden you get attached to someone and get to spend a lot of time with them...you just get used to having someone to talk to, to hang out, to share things with. Now the thought of being alone again kills me. Not that I don't have hope for us, I just know I have to patient right now. He certainly can't focus on us and I COMPLETELY understand that. We had so many plans to do things in the coming weeks and I seriously doubt that will happen now. It's a little sad.

Enough with pity party. Life could be much worse for me. I just need to find something else to focus on right now. Like work maybe?

Ten on Tuesday

So I have been following this friends blog for a few years and every Tuesday she does "Ten on Tuesday". It's just 10 random things going on her life, but it's pretty interesting. So I am adopting that. And yes, this week "Flashback Friday" will return. Can't wait either...I have some good ones!

So here we go:

1) I am so thankful to be a 'mommy'. Layla turned 2 last week and she is absolutely amazing. Her vocabulary is massive, although up until last week it lacked 2 key phrases, "yes" and "I love you". I am thrilled that she has now added those to her repertoire.

2) The past week has made me realize that distance does make the heart grow fonder. Having not seen my latest love interest (or really talked to him a lot) in the past week and that has given me time needed to sort through my feelings. Through this, I have realized just how strongly I feel about him and how much I want/need him in my life.

3)One my biggest goals this past year was getting nominated for the "Newcomer of the Year" for the Kansas City Association of Realtors. Fortunately, I was nominated. The award gets handed out today. Cross your fingers for me.

4)It amazes me how one simple, 5 word text can completely change my mood.

5)I am still not surprised how he doesn't get it. When is he going to figure out what being a father means? I saw a quote yesterday that completely hit home to me, "To be in your child's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today". He just doesn't get it and I pray he'll figure it out sooner rather than later.

6)One of my goals this year is to (finally) read the entire Bible. My lovely Dad got me a book that puts the bible into chronological order and you do a reading a day for a year. By the end of the year you will have read the entire Bible. That is, if you read it everyday. I am 10 days behind and feverishly trying to catch up.

7) I have some of the best friends in the world. My life would so incomplete without their love and support. Thank You!

8) I am bored. Real Estate isn't exactly 'hopping' right now. I am thinking of sending out my resume this week but the thought of having to go back to a 8-6 job terrifies me.

9) I think I might be finally be getting past this last weight loss plataea and I am so thankful...11 lbs to go until I hit my goal weight. I better hurry because if I go back to a 'corporate' job who knows when and if I will be able to work out like I am now.

10) I have received several emails and notes this week regarding the blog. It so nice to hear someone besides me is enjoying it. Keep it coming! If you are reading this, I want to know darn it!

Oh lovely, lovely day.

Hasn't been the best 24 hours.

I have no idea what's going on McScotty but something is up. His son was in town for most of last week and he flew back home to CA last night. He's been a having a rough time (girl issues) and McScotty was trying to snap him out of it. We haven't seen each other since last Tuesday. Up until that point, everything was going wonderful (I mean wonderful...it was perfect). Since then I have kept a pretty low profile since I know he's been dealing with some family drama and needing to give his son his full attention. Aside from a few phone calls and texts here and there we haven't had much contact. I miss him a lot and that is killing me, but again I understand where his attention needs to be right now.

So yesterday evening his son flew back to CA. McScotty text me to tell me we was hanging out with his younger son for the evening, etc (hasn't really seen him since the other one was in town). I haven't heard from him since then. It's really unlike him. If we aren't together he almost always calls or texts me at night and then again to say 'good morning'. Nothing. I don't know what's going on and in my world that makes my head spin. I'm pretty sure he's still dealing with the older son's issues, but I wish I knew what was going on. I keep thinking maybe it's me...maybe I've done something, but then again that's pretty impossible since I haven't really seen him or talked him. But again, this makes my head wonder. It just needs to chill out.

Easier said than done since I have been stuck inside with a sick little girl. I had a small little birthday party for her yesterday afternoon. I knew something wasn't right when she wouldln't eat any cake. About a half hour later she threw up. And that continued into the evening. My evening was spent washing sheets, giving her baths and trying to explain to her why she couldn't have milk (not an easy task by the way). This morning we happened to have her 2 year check up so we went into the Dr. Only to find out she has yet another 'really bad' ear infection. Round 4. She hasn't thrown up today and is acting fairly normal. Although she's on a food strike again (common when she gets ear infections). Lovely, lovely day I'm having.

That said, I haven't been able to do much today to get my mind off what's going on with McScotty. I just wish the man would call or text me to tell me what's going on so I know he's okay. I guess this is where my impatience gets the better of me.

Random Ramblings

I don't really have any great, funny stories to blog about today (except mabye the story of how my brother got me hammered last night and convinced me to ride the bull...WTF was I thinking?). I haven't seen McScotty since Tuesday and it's killing me. I have finally decided I am in love and I haven't even been able to see him....he had some family stuff going on and his oldest son came in town from CA to spend quality Dad/Son time. I guess my little aching heart will just have to wait. Absense does in fact make the heart grow fonder, but enough already.

Back to my brother. I don't know at what point in my life Ben became less of an annoying little brother and more of a cool, fun guy to hang out (ie drink) with. Nonetheless, somewhere along the way it happened. Too bad he lives in Dallas now and I only get to see him every few months. He flew in last night for Layla's birthday. I picked him up and we headed out to have some drinks. After spending nearly $100 on 3 appetizers that were barely enough to dent our appetite and few bourbon cocktails we decided to head to the 'country bar' at Power and Light. Being that it was just the 2 of us, we need some entertainment and that came in the form of a mechanial bull and some guys that looked like they just pulled up in either a)their four wheeler or b)their mobile home that doubles as a stretch limo. Needless to say, the entertainment was good. After starting off with some jager-bombs, we started hitting the bourbon again. After a good while watching the entertainment, Ben finally convinced (didn't take too much convincing...the bourbon had already gone to my head) that I needed to ride the bull. He told me he would do it if I did. I should have known from past experience that that was total BS. So up I went. Luckily I think the bull 'operator' took it easy on me. Which was actually not my preference. When the thing really isn't moving fast enough to have an impressive 'fall' you can't really, in good conciense, have to stick it out which at some point becomes slightly uncomfortable (both physically and mentally). It went on entirely too long and he finally speeded the thing up to the point I could fall and not make a fool of myself. After my own entertainment with the Bull we decided it was time to head out and find some friends...it was really beginning to look like we were on a date...not good when your with your brother. Needless to say we found a willing friend to meet us out and ended the night pretty good (meaning I got home safely and once again didn't meet "ralph" last night...it's been a long time since I've seen him) :) And, I'm not even hung over today which is good. Layla's birthday is tomorrow and I am a small party to celebrate. Ya think I've done ANYTHING to get ready for it? Nope! Off I go to clean, bake and clean some more.

Paybacks are HELL

My dear, dear sister. I owed her...she's done a ton to help me out with Layla over the past 2 years. I seriously owed her one so when she called in her favor I couldn't say no. She asked me to chaperone her high school's Courtwarming dance. I tried like hell to come up with a reason why I couldn't go but I finally caved realizing this was my payback. The dance was last night and I have to say, HOLY SHIT! (sorry for the expletive, but that's all I can say to describe the spectacle).

Like most high school dances, the scene of the event was in the gym. It was adorned with white christmas lights which just the right amount of glow that we, as chaperones, could see exactly what going on in center court. I really didn't think it would be too bad, just a few hours of watching kids make fools of themselves. And then the freshman starting arriving, as freshman do, on time. The floor was covered with balloons and as 14 year old boys will do, they ran around and start popping as many as they could. Little did I know, this would be the most endearing thing these 14 year olds did all night.

Then out of the corner of my eye I see a group of girls show up. I look down the court and couldn't believe what I saw...this one girl's 'dress' was less of a dress and more of black napkin draped across her body, complete with 5 inch black pumps that looked similar to those seen downtown at "Temptations: Totally Nude". And then, this said group started dancing. I repeat: "HOLY SHIT". For a second I thought I really was at Temptations. I found out later these girls were all freshman. Again, HOLY...
It was hard to peel my eyes off the spectacle, but I managed to walk away as I just couldn't stand looking at it any longer. On more than one occasion the thought crossed my mind, "and your parents let you leave the house like that". I would love to meet said parents and knock them upside the head.

So before the dance started, my lovely sister who was in charge, told us the rule was, "if you wouldn't dance that way in front of your mother it wasn't approriate". Easy enough rule I thought. So, what do you do when 400 teenagers are all dancing, err gyrating, on each other at once? Surely you can't stop them all so at some point you have to let your moral guard down and say 'to hell with it': as long as I can see (or sorta see) their hands they are fine. But you see, these little kids are tricky. They figured out pretty quick that if they just bunch up on the gym floor we surely couldn't see everything. So we started walking out into the crowd. It kind of gave me a complex. As soon as I would find a little hole to stand in, the little hole became a huge one...like I had some disease they would catch from proximity. It was actually rather funny and it became a game to entertain me...how long would it take for them to a) notice me and b)flee. I saw more teenagers underwear last night than I ever needed to in my lifetime. I mean for real girls, have some freaking pride in yourself.

Aside from the prostitute freshman, the other highlight of the night came when we found a girl using a chair as a prop right on center court to give lap dances. We shut that one down pretty quick but not quick enough. Needless to say I felt old...really old. I have to admit, at one point the thought crossed my mind, "I can't believe how kids dance these days!". It's officially: a)I am a mother and B)I am becoming MY mother.

I survived though. I am much more aware of what teenagers are really like than ever before. I have decided, Layla is going to be home schooled and will NEVER go to a high school dance in anything less than a nun's cloak. Wish me luck!

I know..it's been a while!

Sorry to all you 'blog' followers...I have been a bad girl this week. It's just been a crazy few days.

Wednesday night I went to Topeka for Kansas Association of Realtor meetings. That translated to a lot of drinking (free drinking I might add) and a few meetings I was able to get through hung over and all. I didn't expect to party that hard but I tends to forget how hard realtors play. I was actually looking forward to a nice quiet evening in a hotel room...going to bed early, sleeping in late, you know the drill. But that all changed when they had Crown at the open bar early on in the evening. I was eventually tapped to go out with the 'party crew' to a country bar in Topeka. Let me just say, you haven't been a country bar until you've experienced one in Topeka. Holy Crap!!! I did manage to win $38 dollars and piss off all the regulars. The DJ comes out on the dance floor and invites all the 'ladies' out. He then proceedes to 'sprinkle' a stack on ones and fives on the dance floor. On the count of three all the ladies scramble to the center of the floor to collect as much money as they can. There were about 30 girls 'playing'. I think 28 of them were 'regulars' who I could tell played this quite often and thought they could just steam roll us 'visitors'. Being that I was about 15 Crown and Sprites in, I devised a pretty crafty plan in the my head. I am tall and I figured I could use that my advantage. When the DJ hit 3, I took 2 steps and dove. As I did, I spread out my arms and gathered a wad of cash in them and then proceeded to shove it down my shirt as fast as I could. I came out with quite the stash. Matter of fact I initially thought I only got $33...but once back in my hotel room and tearing off my clothes to go night-night, I found a little $5 still plastered in my bar.. BONUS! Had this said bar been in KC where I might actually have known the people there I probably wouldn't have been so braisen. But hey, $38 is $38...it paid for my gas and the greasy lunch I need on Thursday to soak up some of the leftover Crown. :)

And for those that only come here to find out what is going on with my love life...here's a quick rundown on this weeks activities. McScotty and I have hung out several times this week. It's been a great week. I am stilling having a blast hanging out with him and feel more and more for him everytime we hang out. The other night we had a pretty deep discussion and he actually told me he was definitely falling in LOVE with me. Oh yes...he dropped the "L" word. And ya know what? It didn't freak me out. I'll do my best to paraphrase what he said because it was pretty damn cool:

"Christian, I am going to tell you this because I want you to know exactly where I stand. I am totally and completely falling in love with you. It's the most amazing feeling and one I don't think I have ever experienced. I realize you are not there yet and that's okay with me. I just think you deserve to know how I feel. I don't care if you never get there. I will cherish every minute we get to spend together, whether it's another week, another month, or the rest of our lives. I know you're in a different position and not ready for this. I can be patient and wait. You are so worth waiting for."

There was a lot more said, but you get the gist. I was half expecting this, and half caught a little off guard. But like I said, it didn't freak me out at all. I completely appreciate the fact he's not afraid to tell me how he's feeling and he completely understands, respects and appreciates my feelings and where I am at. I'll be sure to post more on this later...right now this blog entry is entirely too long and I need more coffee.

Cheers! CZ

The Exclusivity Talk

Ya all are definitely due for an update...so much has happened since last Wednesday.

Where to start???

Friday night McScotty and I had a fun night out. We went to see a movie (The Unborn...don't go see it...it was awful!!!), then we grabbed some sushi and met some of my friends out. Aside from a brief introduction of a few friends on New Years, this was the first time he had actually hung out with friends. I was a little nervous given the way F-head treated all my friends, but I knew he would be just fine. And he was. He had so much fun and so did I. I think my friends liked him too. While I know I like him a lot, the opinion of those close to me are really important.

I didn't think I'd get to see him again until today as he had his son the rest of the weekend but Saturday night his son had something going on so McScotty came over to hang out. It was wonderful. We had a lot of fun and a lot of really 'deep' talks. Both of us agreed that we really didn't have any desire to see anyone else. A week ago I was trying to prepare myself for how to get out of this "exclusivity" discussion, but now it just feels so right. I have no desire to go out with anyone else. It just seems like a colossal waste of my time and theirs. And why? Just so I can say I did it? I don't need to go out with 20 assholes to realize how wonderful McScotty is...I already know. And if 3 months from now I decide he isn't 'it', I can certainly start dating again. It's not like I'm getting married next week. Right now I am extremely comfortable with where things are and extremely happy. It feels so right.

The other day he sent me this link...it's such a perfect song (and yes, it's KISS):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8LSQNdkXPY

Oh what a night...

Big ole smile on my face today. What a great night I had. McScotty came over for a little dinner and movie action. I realized yesterday that even though it had only been 4 days since I had last seen him, I kind of missed that guy! :) We had a wonderful, relaxing evening. The more time I get to spend with him, the more I really like this one. Which puts me in a precarious situation...what do I do about these other gents? More and more I am finding myself much less interested in "exploring other options" which really freaks me out. To add to my freaked out state, McScotty poured his heart out to me last night and told me he was pretty much "falling for me pretty hard". Normally I'd be running for the hills at this point, but it was actually quite endearing. He probably didn't find my complete silence endearing, but I just can't quite put into words my feelings...not yet. I'll keep those cards pretty darn close to my chest for a long time.

He also shared me with that he finds himself in a position he's never been in: he's realized I am able to hurt him. Ummm, what? He elaborated on that and told me that since he was "falling for me" he's vulnerable to me hurting him. Again, freaked me out a little, but also pretty darn awesome he was able to actually tell me this. Although it does put a little pressure on me which I can't say I am crazy about. Again, playing the cards close to my chest. And he knows that. He appreciates that. I did tell him I can understand his feelings but he is going to have to patient with me. I am not there yet. I can see myself getting there with him, but not yet. For god's sake it's only been a few weeks since we've met. I am certainly not going to make the mistake again of putting my heart in front of my head.

Like I said though, the more and more I get to know him, the more and more I like him...a lot. Oh the dilema. This is not how I envisioned my "post divorce dating around" going. But, I really kind of like where things are. :)

Inquiring minds want to know...

I know you are 'dying' for date details. Sadly (for you), there won't be any tonight. No date. Never called. Ask me how upset I am? To be completely honest, I'm not at all. A few weeks ago I might have been slightly disappointed, but today, I can't say that. I am almost relived (what in the hell is wrong with me?).
All this is doing is making me realize how wonderful McScotty is. He sends me these cute (not too cute, I don't like that) texts throughout the day. He calls. He doesn't cancel dates (at least he hasn't recently). Ahh. And as scary as it is to admit, I really kind of miss him. Lucky for me I get to see him tomorrow night!

The cancelled date was probably a blessing in disguise though. Layla is battling a "massive ear infection" as the DR confirmed today. She took one look in little bits ear and I think her words were, "Holy Crap...that is bad!". A wave of relief did pass over me...it confirmed that I am not a hypocrondriac Mom who runs to the Dr at the first symptom of a runny nose. I was also relived to know what was causing the fevers, food strike and sleepless nights. Round 3 of antibiotics here we come!

And you'll get a good chuckle out of this. Today was suppose to be F-heads day to have her (I say day, but it really equates to 2.5 hours in the afternoon/evening). Since our Dr's appt ran into "his scheduled time" I had to drop her off at the condo. I called when we left the Dr to let him know we were on the way. He could hear her screaming bloody murder in the background and started to hesitate and back out of taking her. I told him it wasn't really an option... I had to go get her precription filled and stop at the grocery store and there was really no way I was doing this with her in tow (fever and all). So I get there to drop her off and he's taking her out of the car and procedes to tell me they are going to Chuck-E-Cheese (again). Are you f-ing kidding me??? The poor girl is sick as can be and you are going to take her to Chuck-E-Cheese???? Poor, poor decision making on his behalf. I tell him (as kindly as I can) that's probably not the best choice. It took a few minutes, but I talked him out of it. When I went to pick her up an hour and half later he actually said to me, "gosh, she's fussy". No shit sherlock. You have no idea. Try keeping her entertained and comfortable, etc for 24 hours a day and then you call tell me she's "fussy". Sheesh.

Alright, my glass of wine awaits (yes, I am drinking alone again. If you had the kind of day I did, I can guarantee you'd be drinking more than just one glass). I won't go into to gory details but a sick child who can't keep much down and a dog that decided to eat a box of crayons for made a nice little mess to clean up today. Plus, I have a new season of the Bachelor to get addicted to. :)

Filling in the Blanks...

So after speaking to a dear friend last night who follows the blog, apparently my ramblings have left out a few pertinent details that need to be addressed:

1) McScotty. Not the most original name, but he hails from Scotland, hence the name. Also, he is older. A lot older. Well, only 13 years. I did find out on New Year's that he has 2 grown kids in addition to his 9 year old. And when I say grown, they are closer to my age than I am to his. Slightly weird but I can deal.

2) None of these guys have access to either my Facebook page or the blog. And they never will. I might be blonde, but I'm not that dumb. McScotty did 'friend' me on myspace, but I never use that. I think I have 4 friends on myspace, one of them being "Tom". They can myspace all they want. The good stuff is here. :)

If by chance one my future entries leaves out details that you have to make up, please comment or email me and I'd be glad to clarify. :)


And just because it's Monday and you probably need a laugh, I thought I would share with you a picture of a guy who 'winked' at me yesterday on match. I don't know about you, but he looks like the type of person who drives a van equipped with no windows and shag carpeting. I think not.

The man can cook!

What a weekend! I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. So much to say, so little time to say it.

This weekend has been a series of ups and downs. Layla's been sick most of it so I've been stuck inside with her (not fun...at all). Although I was productive and completely re-did the master bath (painted, replaced fixtures, painted some more because I hated the first color, blah blah blah). Now to the good stuff (I know you don't come here to read about how much puke I cleaned up or what I painted):

Friday night McScotty came over and get this, fixed me dinner! The man can cook, and he can cook good! I didn't have to do a damn thing except drink wine and entertain him while he cooked. I was a little hesitant having him come to my space with Layla here, but I made him come after she was in bed (don't yell at me Elizabeth!). It was fabulous. We had a dinner and watched a movie. Totally just chilled out. It was wonderful and yes, he was a total gentleman. We seem to really have something going. The more time I spend with him, the more I can see myself falling for this guy. Even though he's not really "my type"...but then again, what the hell is my type? If you lined up the guys I've dated in the past 15 years one might think I suffer from a little schizo. The thought of lining them all up just made me a laugh a little...I can't imagine what that would be like. Back to McScotty...I am less freaked out about him than I was last week. I just know (because he's told me) that he's ready for a relationship and that he has 'feelings' for me. I can tell he likes me more than I like him. That's a little scary for me but I am just going with it for now. I am not closing the door though on other dating adventures (even my Mom told me yesterday I needed to "date around"...yes, my own mother is whoring me out).
Matter of fact....

I have a date tomorrow night with another little lad. This one is younger than me (only by 2 years though)and it's obvious in our conversations via email and text. Much different talking to him than McScotty. This is yet another match victim. I hoping he isn't crazy....some of those guys are Coo-Coo for Coco Puffs. He seems fairly normal and I am trying to keep my options open right now. And based on his pictures (and they do look like there from this decade) he's pretty easy on the eyes. We'll see what this character is like in person.

I almost f-ed it up last night though. I was texting them both at the same time and came really close to sending one of them the wrong response. Luckily this was before I had polished off a bottle of wine so I averted the distaster (yes...I was drinking alone. No...I don't have a drinking problem. I had just spent 8 hours painting and repainting a bathroom. Don't judge me).

I'm sure you'll be holding your breath waiting to hear about the date tomorrow night...stay tuned....this could get interesting.

PS: I think I made it through this post using my signature ... under 10 times. Go me!